Blog 6 : Lost in the Fog of My Own Life

 

The Weight of Unseen Sadness

There is a sadness in me this week that I cannot shake. A heaviness that lingers, curling around my spirit like a thick mist. My community has begun to notice, their questions cutting through my fragile composure like sharp knives.

"Are you okay?"

Each inquiry feels like a demand for an explanation I do not have. I try to swallow my emotions, but the questions make me cry. I rarely know the origins of my pain—I just know that I am unhappy, unfulfilled, and longing to disappear. Far away. Where no one can see me, where no one can know me.


The Struggle to Keep Hoping

I am tired. More than that, I am weary. Hoping has become harder now. The well of optimism I once drank from so freely has run dry. Initially, I chalked it up to the natural rhythms of my body, perhaps a passing shift in my cycle. But even as the days stretch on, the weight remains.

I feel weakened by my failures, as if every attempt I have made was for nothing. Every dream chased, every sacrifice, every prayer whispered into the void—what has it amounted to? I tell myself to pick up the pieces, to try again, but the truth is, all I feel is another failed attempt waiting to happen.

Absurd Thoughts and Bitter Chuckles

And so, absurd thoughts creep in. Thoughts that would have once made me laugh or recoil in shock.

OnlyF@ns?

A whole option at this point. I’ve failed at everything else, haven’t I? Maybe putting my body on display will yield better results. (Kidding… kind of.)

The thought makes me chuckle bitterly, but the ache in my chest remains. I think of all I have been.

The Many Roles I Have Played

The good girl. The church girl. The upstanding citizen. The community leader. The modest woman. The bookworm. The intercessor. The giver. The nurturer.

All these identities have wrapped around me, defining me for so long. And yet, where have they led me? I have no children, no money, no direction. Just an overwhelming sense of loss.

Holding On to a Faint Flicker of Hope

But even in this abyss, something small flickers within me. Maybe it’s defiance. Maybe it’s the tiniest ember of hope refusing to be fully extinguished. Perhaps I have not truly failed—perhaps I am simply in the in-between, the space where the old self shatters to make way for something new.

I don’t know what that "new" is yet. But maybe, just maybe, I can hold on a little longer to find out.

Regards 

Lost Hope Child 

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